When Tragedy Strikes at the Holidays, Grief Comes

I heard bad news. A friend woke early Thanksgiving (American holiday) to discover her husband had passed away in the night.

It makes you stop and think. If tragedy hits on a holiday when all plans are for celebration, the passing becomes more difficult.



Each person processes through grief stages in his/her own way when learning of death. But even if there are similarities such as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote in her book, On Death and Dying about the five stages of grief, grief is unique to the individual.

So what are you to do, if tragedy has struck you? Amid the shock, the anger, the denial--trust yourself to know what is best for you. Be free to process as you see fit, especially if others feel obliged to tell you that you 'should' be/do/feel something you do not. Of course, here I am telling you what to feel, so you are welcome to ignore me as well. I don't wish to add to your burden, but encourage you as you go through this difficult time.

The body is remarkable in its ability to assess needs and adapt to what it requires.

Grief may take much longer than society is willing to give. After a few months, people move on and no longer seem to remember that your heart is in pain.

It used to be society required mourners to wear black for seven years. Black bows graced houses. In the past, many found this constricting, but it did something for the grieving loved ones left behind.



It informed society to be gentle because you were grieving. Remember Gone with the Wind? The heroine had to wear widows weeds—no color--and yet she broke tradition to wear the red dress.

Society doesn't have those markers anymore and people can be indifferent, not intentionally, mind you. Because distractions and life cause their focus to shift away, they forget. You don’t, however, so be good to yourself. Trust that you have needs and be willing to let people know. They’ll be a good source of help if you remind them you are still struggling with the loss.

For the rest of us, let us be thankful for yet another aspect of life. Friends, loved ones, family, associates, neighbors, online acquaintances…are still alive and we can communicate with them.

So, let me say, I’m thankful for you. Be good to yourself and love each day life gives you a gift --the present.

Death Startles Us

Death is not a subject that is easy to broach. Most people strive to stave off the encroachment of aging and the demise that is sure to afflict all of us.

A dear loved one is in a precarious state and all the concerns surrounding death are forced to the foreground.

I would prefer not thinking about death. I tried for a year to woo my mother back from eighteen strokes (some large, some TIAs--or transient ischemic attacks--mini strokes) and finally accepted that she was ready to move on, even if I wasn't ready to let her go. She died that afternoon, four hours after I accepted that I had to allow her to be at peace and acknowledged to God that I didn't want her to suffer for my sake--i.e. my desire to keep her here.

The quality of life has much to do with holding on or letting go. I would not wish pain and incapacity on anyone for any length of time. While pain is good for a moment; it teaches us to withdraw our fingers from the fire, to be suffering endless days of pain is not to be wished upon anyone. Functionality is important. Most people desire to feel necessary and profitable in this life. To lack capability to do anything productive or to feel unnecessary is to deny a critical aspect of what makes life worth living...leads us to feel dead even if we are not yet in the grave.

So for my loved one, I pray and commit to God the best outcome even if it does not meet my hopes of a continued vital relationship. On the one hand is loss. On the other hand is potentially a less than optimum existence, and like John Milton who wrote On His Blindness about losing that part (eyesight) which is death to hide, but lodged with him useless, we hope for more. 'Though my soul more bent to serve therewith my Maker and present my true account' I come to the resolution just as he did:'they also serve who only stand and wait.'

I feel the impotence of impending death. On the otherhand, miracles happen every day, and the rejuevenated soul is a powerful one. Life and death in the balance can be unsettling, but hope prevails against the odds. Being a 'glass half full' person, I unerringly aim for the good news and hope beyond hope.